Smiling on a rainy day

Good morning! It's 9am on Sunday. We've had a few nice days so this rainy day is okay.

A few random thoughts before the rambling begins:

• My phone remembered "Tge"in it's dictionary. When I type haphazardly, "i went to Tge mall" comes out more often than "I went to the mall" and it's pissin' me off!


• Goodbye Michael Scott. I just watched The Office and it was Michael's last episode. I cried. Why is a television show making me cry? Because I'm old.


• I love Post-it Notes. Stick it one place, remove it, and put it somewhere else-where ever it is, it's still bright and still sending the same message!


• I raced yesterday and was 2nd overall in a cycling time trial. Did it with my own bike, my own coaching and without race wheels. I have been tempted to give up racing but it was really nice to be out there with my friends. (fun fact: my heart rate averaged 190 for over 30 mins.)


• With help from many friends on facebook (and in real life!) I'm a wine drinker now.


• Tomorrow is a big day.


• Haven't planned today out yet but I know it's going to be great!

Most importantly, today is May 1st. I have been anxiously waiting for this month. In February I made a paper chain counting down the days to spring. The reason I made the chain was because I was soooo sick of winter. It seemed like every day was worse than the last and there were no signs of the weather breaking. I was just looking for sunshine. The weather was my biggest complaint. Just, the weather. As I tore the rings off of the paper chain, I had some of the best and worst days of my month. Things would look up and just as soon as a saw a sliver of sunshine, there'd be a storm. I imagined waking up with the sound of birds chirping and the warmth of the sunshine on my face. I expected that soon, there'd be a day where I could spend the entire day outside, soaking up the sun, smiling at mother nature and thanking her for the greatness she bestowed upon me. But it wasn't happening! The weather just got worse and worse and when I finally tore off the last day of my paper chain to spring, I had wished that I never made it in the first place. Why was I counting down the days until March 20th, such an insignificant date? Why did I think that spring was the answer to my winter woes?
I often worry about seasonal depression, especially in athletes looking to get out and train with fresh air. I question if perhaps battling the winter actually makes us appreciate the warmer months more than those living in places where it's warm all year round?

I don't know where I'm going with this post. The message I'm trying to convey is that you can't be looking for some day, some moment, some event to be responsible for your happiness. You can't put it off. You can't just mark a date on a calendar and say "I accept that every day until this specific moment is going to suck but ON THAT DATE, it will all get better". It doesn't happen like that. There's really never a reason to 1-accept bad days and 2-put happiness off to a future moment. After my paper chain failed me I set a new goal. April. Yes, march sucked, march was terrible, march taught me lessons in life that I would much rather read in a book than ever recommend someone learn through experience, but if I could just make it to April, I'd be okay. Well, I made it to April and everything looked up (in my pre-determined scale of ups and downs) until again, my month nosedived. The end of that paper chain, those happy days I was waiting for...it was starting to seem like I had dreamt up a fantasy world. So many people are okay with living unhappily, unsatisfied, always longing for something more, but why? I realized it was time to figure out what exactly it was that I was looking for on the end of that paper chain. April was not over and April will not be defined by a few bad days. I redefined April and made the good days of April speak louder than the bad in the summary of my month of April showers.

Ask me about April. It was amazing. My heart grew stronger. Let me quote some new lingo I have been exposed to from MTV's The Real World, "you do you and I'll do me". How did that sound? Can I pull it off in casual conversation? I'll do me. Focus on you and I'll focus on me because fortunately, I know how to ensure that I will have a good day. Each day of April was an unplanned adventure on my journey. The word LAZY sounded so appealing but it didn't take long (24 hours) for me to realize that doing nothing was not what I needed. I needed REST. The first of my best days of april was when I went to bed early and woke up late. A few days of uninterrupted, nightmare-free nights were enough to bring me back to the person I remember. It scares me to think who I would have become had I not had a chance to get that rest. There were days in the last year when I would start to nod off as I sipped a cup of coffee and as soon as I realized that I was falling asleep, I'd CHUG the coffee to bring me back to life. It worked, but sometimes it would only revive my mind and my thoughts would overwhelm my overworked tired body. Hence the times when I'd fall asleep in my car after driving home, too tired to walk to my front door or when I'd get up in the morning and tears would stream from my face as I looked at my phone's 67% charge because the time I spent sleeping wasn't even enough to charge my phone to 100% let alone my body. Sometimes you never realize that you're starting every day at 67% until 1-You are blessed with an opportunity to feel 100% again or 2-You stop holding any charge at all.
Once I became back to 100% it became obvious what I needed to do to stay there. I stopped scheduling appointments to hang out with friends and family and realized that simply being available is the best invitation. I had some of the BEST conversations of my life in April. I grew closer to my friends and family and met new people that I know will continue to influence my life in the future. I saw things in people that I may not have seen if I was running on 67% and I learned more about myself. I was disappointed when I realized that my respect for some was unwarranted and unappreciated but also found complacency in my newly developed ability to recognize that I'm not responsible for others. I still care to make others happy if it's within my realm of control but it's more of an independent act.

I look at the 10-day forecast and I know that it's wrong. There's no reason to look and predetermine how I feel about Tuesdays' rain or Thursday's coldness. I sit here on rainy Sunday and I'm enjoying it. Today is May 1st and you ask why I'm excited about it because I just went on and on about how I shouldn't look forward to a certain date. Well, I'm excited for May because it's another opportunity to experience good and bad, another chance to learn more, and I can finally look back at April and say that it was indeed great. I can write my summary on February, March and April and say that there was more good than bad and when I retell my story of the longest winter of my life, I will not be talking about my winter woes, I will tell you about the great people I met, the lessons I learned, how GREAT my good days were, the doors that have been opened and the potential for greatness in my future because of the longest winter of my life.

My neck actually hurts from looking up so much. (triathlon joke for those that can relate)
You guys must be getting annnoyed with my posts about happiness. To make you feel better:

• I angrily sped around a slow driver yesterday


• I yelled "WTF" when my dining room lightbulb burnt out


• I didn't go out of my way to fake a smile to someone who I know has bad intentions.


• I think negatively. I get pissed when things don't go as I planned. And I'm still not lovin' how much work it takes to make sure I stay happy.

But, I know it's worth it in the end. Nothing good is just coming to me. It takes work and time and focused attention. Big picture in mind- things will only go up from here. (and "here" ain't so bad). And I say this as the rain has stopped and the sun is coming out..literally.