I have a voice

I have a voice. This story begins and ends with a girl on a bike. Just me and my bike. Every pedal stroke I take moves me towards my destination. I keep pedaling over the bumps, I rarely hit the brakes and I pace myself so I know I won’t run out of energy. I ride my bike to stay happy and when I realize it’s not making me happy, I run. I like to smile at strangers while I’m riding. I like to sing at the top of my lungs when no one is looking. I like to check out my reflection in the big windows of stores I pass.

I often wonder, “what are all these people thinking of me” and as I contemplate whether or not I care, I realize, I AM HAPPY. If I’m happy and that makes them unhappy, that’s not my problem. My biggest struggle in the last month or so has been defending my happiness. I found myself explaining to people that my smiles were genuine, reassuring my friends that I DO CARE about them and questioning if my intentions were being perceived as I had hoped. Here’s what I’ve come to learn- smiles are intimidating. As a 22 year old woman, it is not an easy road to take to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. I work SO HARD on me. I know where I’ve come from. I have been insecure, I have felt angry, I have been lonely and sad and I have hidden in the background in order to let the light shine on other people. But now I’m done hiding, I’m not going to be quiet, I HAVE A VOICE. I gaze down at a business card I was recently handed, “you are not alone” it says. I don’t believe it. I am alone. I have been used, attacked, and misunderstood. I am alone in my journey to get back to who I know I can be. I am alone now because my strength is a threat to the weak. It’s easy to just sit back and wallow. It’s easy to give up on my dreams. It’s easy to forget about the people who I care so deeply about and it’s easy to just be MAD but I don’t do easy. I can face the challenges ahead of me.

A few days ago I left my apartment with a bottle of water, 380 calories worth of nutrition, no plan and a Garmin on my wrist. It was cold and it was raining. I decided that I was going to try to run a marathon but after realizing I didn’t have enough nutrition, I settled for 20. I ran in the pouring freezing rain. As I ran, I received text messages, phone calls and emails from my friends. All of the people that I had recently been asked to forget about, to walk away from, all of the people that I wondered- did I care for them more than they cared for me? I got my answer. They knew that my smiles were genuine, and they knew that my heart and soul were in the right place. It was reassuring to know that I had made true friendships and that the people whose smiles warmed my heart also wanted to make sure I was still going to be offering my smiles to the world. Every time my phone went off and interrupted my angry music, I broke down in tears. I was miles from my home, crying while running. My running form fell apart, my body started to shake and I feared that my tears might even add to my dehydration. I watched my heart rate increase, looked down at my almost empty water bottle and realized it was time to suck it up. I am fucking strong. I left my house to go run twenty miles because I KNEW I COULD DO IT. No matter how screwed up everything in my life seemed, no matter how many people screwed with my emotions, f*cked with my mind, NO ONE could take away all the hard work I had done on developing my heart, my body, my soul. I fixed me. I stopped crying and I RAN.

There is an easy way out. I can give up. I have been beaten down over the last month. I have been stripped of my innocence. I have been deceived and hurt over and over and over again. I have been used. I have a voice but I won’t use it to hurt anyone else. I don’t feed off of other people’s pain. I need to see smiles. I have worked so hard on defining what it takes to make me happy and I know that if I continue to focus on keeping me happy and building on the friendships that I have already developed, I will survive in the end. I keep asking, “Does hard work ever pay off?” and I still can’t say for sure if it does, but I know that when you’re working on yourself, it does. If you want to make me cry, I’ll cry. If you want to tell me I’m not good enough, I’ll listen. If you want to tell me that I’m hurting people, I’ll do everything in my power to stop hurting them. But if you want to break me down, if you want to take my smile away, if you want to make me question if my heart is in the right place, if you want to tell me I’m not strong- YOU WILL FAIL.

I told you this story would begin and end with a girl on a bike. Tomorrow I will be on my bike just like today I was on my bike. I have 3 bikes in my dining room and each one of them represents a different part of me. The mountain bike shows that I can handle falling down and getting back up. The road bike shows that I can get places on my own, with my own energy. The tri bike shows that I know what it takes to win. And I will. I will not be silenced, I have a voice.